I don’t know who I am anymore
Years have been lost for both of us
As your memory has declined, mine has filled with only the trauma of keeping you safe
My hell and my heaven have merged in this neverending quest to make the most of your time, not mine
As I hold onto the hope that there will be time for me yet to come
Although, as life has a habit of surprising us, I might die first
Every day, it feels like I am dying
I am losing sight of my life as it shrinks, fades, receding ever further from me
Decisions are impossible to make
A future impossible to build
As we don’t know what is
Walking side by side along a path that is being swallowed by quicksand faster than we can place our feet upon it
Yet, you are oblivious to my existence other than when I stand in front of you
Then, and only then does a spark of what once was appear on your ageing and vacant face
No longer a bright smile to make it all worthwhile
Just a clouded gaze that tells me that somewhere deep in the recesses of your mind there is a flicker of recognition
Not for the baby I once was in your arms
Not for the girl who watched you choose others ahead of her
Not for the young woman whose pain you chose not to acknowledge or comfort
Not for the woman standing in front of you, giving up her life moment by moment
Hoping that I can somehow grasp a shred of something left behind in you that could be for me and me alone
As your need for my presence to anchor your own to this world evaporates to nothing
Your understanding of my purpose in your life has become perfunctory;
To you, I am nothing more than a guardian, an overseer, a bearer of standards of care
My dreams, hopes and joie de vivre have been replaced with anxiety, fear and anticipatory grief
As I watch more of you leave this world with every waking day
My own world has spun further away from me, as has yours, stuck in a revolution that never ends
Taking with it all that I have worked for, all that I have achieved, all that I ever wanted for myself
Because, above all else, I wanted you to be the mother I have always yearned for
Now, without letting go of that thread of need, which is impossible to snip
I have almost nothing of you left to cling on to
No imagined place of safety in your embrace
No imagined place of safety in this world
No time and place to just be me
I don’t know who I am anymore and am afraid I am lost forever.
© Toula Mavridou-Messer 2023
Toula Mavridou-Messer 